Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I need a change

I have no idea if anyone actually reads my blog, but I need a place to say this. Somewhere that isn't facebook where everyone CAN read it.

I've been kinda down lately. Not depressed, just down. Like I'm looking at my life & I'm definitely not happy with it. I love my kids, I love being a mom, I love the stresses of everyday life. I even like my job. Maybe you're noticing what I've left out.

Two things: my husband & friends. I don't have any close, personal relationships right now. No real girlfriends to talk to & know that I'm not being judged behind my back. No girlfriends to hang out with & have dessert & talk about TV. I mean, I've got "facebook" friends, and girlfriends from MOPS, but no one I truly feel like I could call up & say, "let's go to the mall or meet for scrapbooking". I feel like most of my friends have best friends or small groups or whatever, and I'm that seventh wheel. Or spare tire (okay, I had to throw a joke in).

As for my husband.  I feel like I don't even have a close personal relationship with him. I feel like I keep trying, and nothing happens. So obviously I'm not trying hard enough. I fully admit that. I'm willing to get help & I need to be the one to initiate that. But right now, at this moment, I feel deeply hurt. The other night he wanted to get frisky & I truly was not in the mood. I think I was walking thru our room when he had gone to bed & I was in the middle of doing laundry. So VERY not in the mood. I said I'd need to get in the mood, and he was going to have to help. He didn't want to be bothered. Thanks. I'm glad to know I'm not worth the effort. I know I need to lose weight.

Anyhow, I hate being Debbie Downer. I need to work on these things. And I need to get my butt into the gym on a regular basis. I will fully admit I'm having a hard time motivating myself. For me, it's hard when my husband comes home at noon every day. I feel like we're just getting going, like all of our morning chores are done & it's time to have fun. And then he comes home. Is it too much to ask for an afternoon a week of just me & the kids at home?


1 comment:

  1. You are on my google reader! I will respond in a private email . . . it will be later today when I have a chance, gotta get out the door to Bible study! : )